Nights like this

I walk around all the day with a smile on my face. I tell my friends that i am much more happier than ever and have many deep belly laughs, Many distractions throughout keep my mind busy, I enjoy life as anyone should because life is amazing..!!! It isn't until i make myself a  cup or tea and crawl into bed that it hits me.

       

                As i start preparing myself for sleep, I remember all the how the days with you were and specially those late night 2 A.M chats and how i loved you despite of your flaws and how you left me in pieces. I thought i was over you. I thought i already moved on and i told myself that i lave already accepted the fact that you and i will never be the together. I told myself that i am now okay and i am feeling better.

But nights like this when i open my Facebook account and see our name in the online list, makes me want to  message you and tell you how much i miss you. I go back to my old self who is hopelessly in love with a girl whom i can never marry. I go back to the old me who's excited in even the slightest attention that you give. I instantly become the guy who's willing to do everything just to make you happy, just to make sure that you will never feel alone, like what i felt.

                I ask myself what did i do wrong  and what is missing from me, why do you have to leave me. Was there anything wrong in my behavior with you? , I feel stupid and i constantly seek answers to these questions only to sleep every night asking the same things. Every time when i think of you and scroll down my fb news feed i will find some post that perfectly describes you or what i feel about you, makes me relive all the pain that you have caused me and all the happiness you brought me. It's a collection of bittersweet memories, a montage of moments that will either make me smile or cry. When i try to give my time and love to  another, reminds me that there is only one you in this universe. There is only one you that could make me feel this way. I hate nights because I know that I am not okay.

It takes me a long time to fall asleep. Just the clockwork, as soon as the light switches off, my mind goes into overdrive: Unfinished tasks for work. That stupid thing i wish i hadn't said to my mom. All the writing that there has to be done and no idea to fill the page. Now, I know that it isn't uncommon for someone to overthink before they drift into sleep. We all have our worries and fears. Being a person is not that easy and that is a fact ingrained in our humanness. But even knowing this unity of the human condition doesn't make 4 A.M feel any less lonely, or make the sky look less endless

                  So instead, I turn to thoughts of you. Maybe it's the stubbornness of  love, maybe it's just plain pathetic. I am not completely sure. All i know even after all this time, I still seem to land on you last and remember all the time that have passed and all about what could have been. I'll drift back to times where people thought we were dating, and this made me a little happy, but mostly sad because I knew it would never happen... :( , but with our millions of miles apart. Mine had open arms. yours was walking out the door. I'll think of your kind eyes, your calloused hands. Our fights. Our last kiss :p (hope you remember that night). I'll fall asleep to these memories of you, moments that are far buried in the past, and i always wake up feeling more tired than before.

It doesn't take long and tears I swore didn't exist finally surface. My stomach aches with regret and curiosity as i think about you. I stare at my blank phone fantasizing your name will pop up with a text or a phone call. I play over every inch of our relationship to see if it could have been different, as if there was one significant turning point that changed everything. I have never felt so broken before, by someone i thought that would never brake me. It's been months since you backed out of that driveway and never looked back. I don't understand why am i still looking back?? . I am embarrassed to say that I am , so to many friends I pretend that I am looking so far ahead and it's unbelievable. I wake up to a new day tell myself it's not going to happen again. Put a smile on my face walk out the door and act like i am not a complete mess

     YOU ARE THE IRREFUTABLE BOOK; 

ONCE SOMEONE PICKS YOU UP TO READ;

THEY NEITHER CANT PUT IT DOWN, NOR CAN FINISH READING IT.

         


         

An open letter to the Girl whom I Thought I'd be BFF

To My Former Best Friend,

Hello...!!,It's me (no,not Adele,unfortunately), your former best friend . How has life been treating you? I hope you're en route to landing your goals. I hope you have lots of new friends that don't cause you, the drama we had. And I hope that you,Personally, are doing well.

         It's been awhile since we've last spoken, I know. And I wish our friendship hadn't ended on such a sour note. It's always awkward when my mom asks about you or asks why I never hangout with you anymore. It's always awkward when people who knew we were friends ask me about you and, well, I have to tell them, "oh,we're not friends anymore".

Alright,so this isn't a letter asking for us to become friends again, but more of a THANK YOU SO MUCH for being a PART OF MY LIFE : laughing with me over silly jokes, for all the nights you were there for me when no one else stayed. Thank you for taking serious, silly and a few snaps with me. I know things didn't work out for us. WE had to break up and throw in the friendship towel. we were both upset and it was just better that we called it quits. Just know that i still care about you, but I am respecting your decision to give each other space.

              we're not the silly friends we once were; Sometimes I wish you were still a text away, but I am  trying to be independent without always being attached to you at the hip. I miss our life talks, and our miscellaneous bloopers. Secretly I hope that one day our paths will cross again and , well, maybe things could work out. But regardless of whether that happens or not, I hope you find a new best friend (or may be you already had one) with whom you'll have all the laughs and all the good times you had with me, minus all the drama. I hope she's your true sister from another mister, most importantly , your true best friend forever

You were the best part of my past. I will look back on our friendship and hope my kids have a friend like I had in you. Our memories used to sting, but now i enjoy going through your countless pictures. You are such a sweetheart and I wish you the best. We both both have gone down seperate paths, but we're positively thriving, I cant even refer to you as an ex-best friend because that's far from truth. we are simply best friends who drifted. I'll consider you a friend forever though. So no matter the time that passes, if you ever need anything just know I'll always be there for you


          THANK YOU for all the memories, for telling me the dress didn't make me look fat when it totally did, and for being my best girl for part of my LIFE. I hope all is well. Stay as beautiful and hardworking as you've been always.


Love always,

Sincerely,
Your Ex(Best Friend, Biggest Betch XOXO)